I am getting older, is my writing getting better?

There is not much to do in my room but read, write, and or drink. A highlight of my day is when I return to my bed and carry on with the dream I had last night. I don't have any money and my food is almost deprived completly. I have a full tank of gas and should goto the day labour site and work my ass off to get some money. I leave for Virgnina on the first of January, and I hope that my life will soon pick up from there. I have been reading some good stories, although sadly, none that have inspried me to write:(

To the one who said they loved me, just to find out they love me no more.

talent that exsist here... and only to become something that you will soon forget when you are of an age to believe that I am nothing more then a vapor. I could not keep it inside... for how can I live without you by myside?

Todd

Todd – I met you in my garage and we played pool. I kept asking myself why the hell is my sister with you? Tattoos and piercing adorned your body – the bad boy image that I am sure you were trying to attempt, came across a little too strong. You were 21 and my sister was 16. Do you realize the trouble you could have had? What do you think my parents thought when you sat in their living room and told them you just knocked up their 16 year old daughter? Shame on you. You were drunk on your wedding day - I held my mouth while you acted like a complete fool that day. Did you forget that was your wife’s special day too? After your daughter was born, you reverted back to being a 15 year old boy. You never held a job for longer then 6 months. You told me that the reason why you couldn’t hold a job was that you had a problem with authority. It wasn’t authority that you had a problem with; it was your lackadaisical personality that gave you in. Your weekends were spent with your hobbies by your side, while your wife and daughter sat with no father or husband. You lost your job only after being married for a short while and moved in with your in-laws. You promised to do work around the house, clean up after your self, save up enough money to move out again, and give up your very expensive endeavors. Your promises were nothing more then a shortfall of your mere tenacity that was rarely ever seen. You mowed the lawn maybe a total of two times, I cleaned the bathroom after you countless times and always with a nauseous feel in my stomach, you never once clean a dish, and you only continued to peruse your expensive hobbies, even bringing in new expensive toys.
You will be 27 this year and from what I have seen, not a single ounce of maturity. You smoke pot all day and then think you can parent your strong willed child. Todd, you are white trash. You are a disgrace and show forth not one character trait my parents taught me and my sister. I am ashamed to call you family. If you feel that your wife won’t leave you, you have more brain cells damaged then I thought. I tried to see any good from you, and I end up only tolerating you. You are a bad husband and a bad father, for this I feel sorry for you.

I took the log out of my eye today

There are lines that connect us to the even most distraught individuals. Cumbersome to the populace - we learn early on to erase them from our lives. They're struggle are familure and at best they become over romanticized by pop culture. Hollywood is a farce - reality is rarely reflected in the movies. I want to tell them the conflict they have is normal, but attitude changes everything. My cousin whom I love dearly, is addicted to meth since he was 19. I would hear the stories of his psychotic episodes reverberate thoughout my house. I was entertained but only becasue I was imature in my life. Now that he is 26, the stories of micro chips in his teeth, that are powered by the fillings, seem less funny and more sad then anything. He confides in me to this day - but the advice I despense becomes hasten to the floor by his addiction.

Envelopes that are encased in the salt water tanks

I had a interview with Alaska Airlines today. They requied me to take a drug test... no problem I say. Then they wanted me to take a nicotine test... thats not ok. First off, I understand if you don't want me doing crack or meth, but my ciggerate smoking does not what so ever have any effect on my cognative ablites. Whats next? I cant drink coffee at home? Henry Ford did something like this back in the 20's. He dictated what his employees did at home... no smoking, no drinking, no pre-martial sex. This is the man that had a anit-semitic news letter(Dearborn Independent). And don't forget the picture of Hitler on Fords desk.

The leaves fall from the east and the rain seize everything around me

There is no doubt that everything in my life is because of me. I was never the same after she left me. Those words that will never escape me, become too much, too late. I can sense it now; I can foresee all that is evil in this world. This talent only makes me want to retreat to my room forever. I hope someday some one will find the peace of my retreat and will want to spend there life with me.

Innocence of my youth is no excuse for today

Recover my thoughts and breath slowly, I told my self this more then once today. I can't cry nor love like I did before. I am the same as before - I am not the person I want to be. I am bound to the floor - a refuge from my past. Our eyes prolonged the emptiness that will always remain.

God I ask for help, I ask to be saved.

I assume the life of a thoughtless man, born a little too late. Summer has left me with pain, its my role to hurt even more then she does.

FUCKED.

Outrage is regret in action

Shadows on the wall of my bed room, beckon to be destroied. Messiner sits with his hands crossed, his legs were lost in the war. Breath of life, and a gasp from death, walk with me before its to late. Her hands seem distant like the last time we met. Forsight furthers my thoughts of loss. She comes to brand our once everlasting love, but leaves me for fear. Run to the sun, run away from me. Happy now? I am gone and here at the same time. Cresent moon, sparkling wine, our love remains in the past, which will never leave me. You said good bye a while ago, and I am saying good bye now. Good bye my lover, tonight you leave and never to return to the pain that once held me to you.

Limes in the ocean, salt on my pillow.

Emotions to be tested. I became a whole because of her. I became nothing with her. Avenge a past that deserves to die. Ask in supplication, work in vain, cast it away from these bleeding eyes. Don't I want more then what I have already offered? Can't she see the pain? Can she save me once again? Yesterday was the same as today, tomorrow will be nothing more then a sentiment of my lost lovers life. I fall from you, and I learn to love from afar. I once felt safe and now I just don't belong.

One Night In Bangkok Is All I Need

So here I am sitting in my room trying to find a job. I feel that this is my fault, for who else is to blame? I am alone and loneleness is my only conflict. One night away from the glass is not the only thing I need. Inebriated thoughts foreshadow a life in which I would be consumed by. Sobriety is an easy task for me, but my struggle lies within. Insurmountable despair at once, a life I yearn and the life I own. Come back my mistake, its only now that I realized I love you.

So thats the game you are going to play.

At seventeen, I had everything figured out, but what wasn’t known to me at that time had more to do with inner conflict, then what I ambitioned. What could a perfectly average white male be in conflict about? Tisk, tisk. You sing the Star - Spangled Banner in pig Latin while I stand on my head. If life was simple, writers would never be oppressed and literature would be this dry insipid thing people use to read way back when. Life is complex and like a rubix cube, it’s just never meant to be solved, because we all know that those supposed genius’s that figured out that damn plastic cube took off the last two stickers...

Incomplete Thoughts Concerning Life As I Know It

It’s the indifference between what has been said about love and what I use to feel strongly about, furthers my quest to an absolute in what seems to be fruitless. Definitions, perceptions, and analytical thought processes, have done me nothing in this conflict that has suddenly came across to me not too long ago. Moreover, emotions that have stricken me to feeling one way over another clearly are illogical and only add to my confusion. Therefore, I beckon this question to those that are so inclined to humor me in my ineffectual discourse on incoherent confusion about my lack of inexperience on this subject, what is love? Questions that only lead to more questions, seem to disobey me and what feels like a powerful force leaves me once again asking more questions. Rhetorical questions at best have no affect on my examination of love; however they seem appropriate in utterances of my ignorance. So, if I maybe so forthright in displaying my ignorance of love – must I continue this rant of retarded ness? No, of course not. And if you have read past this part of my pseudo-intellectual blog, I can’t guarantee that I will even come close to a point at all, but I will try.
Love, love, and more love. The Beatles once said “All you need is love”. I feel that this is just a mere paradox, because with or with out love, somehow in the end, you get hurt. Does this mean I don’t believe in love? Most definitely not, however I feel that most people (including myself) fall in to this category of being in love – loving someone who either doesn’t love you or doesn’t know how to love you. When I was younger I held onto a sentiment that “true love” is always mutual. Since then I obviously have changed this thought into one of a more rational idea – one which is still under constant scrutiny by my ever persistent changing maturity. So, yes you can be in love with someone that isn’t in love with you. Unfortunately, I am plagued by this notion of “true love”. When it comes down to it, I think I just need a girlfriend and so that at very least I can suspend my disbelief of love for a short while. Then I will be in love again.